Hey all, it has been awhile. I was quite busy over the holiday. So here we go.
It is no secret that I have fought my submissive side for a long time. In many ways letting myself submit also means that I am vulnerable. I have a fucking issue with being vulnerable. I say this because when I am vulnerable I have a hard time making choices let alone wise ones. This would mean that I would have to trust “sir” explicitly to make choices for me and to trust that he would make the right ones. vulnerability leaves me wide open. It leaves a space for someone to get into my mind, my heart, and take over. It also means that I could be hurt emotionally. My issues with showing my vulnerability and allowing for that to come out make submission a challenge for me sometimes.
I was wondering if I actually pleased “sir” or if he just tolerated me. I asked not only because i was asked here what a dominant wants from his submissive but also because the last week has been hard. I have had to step back a moment to collect myself and my thoughts. In the last week “sir”and I have had our issues. We have tested each other to the extreme. It has left us both feeling a bit worn down and he considered walking. I would have been fine to let him out. It isn’t my place to convince him to stay. I would have collected myself and been no worse off then when I came in. He chose to stay and work things out. It shows he is a good man and that he is willing to invest his time and energy into me. Why I have no clue, he just says because I have qualities he likes.
It did scare me a bit that he was willing to make such a huge impacting choice for the both of us at the drop of a hat. It made me wonder if he would continue to make choices that were rash and without throughly thinking it through. I think that at the very moment and the discussion that sparked his thoughts he was quick to act. I think we all do that. I also think most of the time when we make such quick choices we ended up wishing we had chose differently. So here we are.
Him saying he was walking left me a bit shocked, vulnerable, and sad. I felt like a failure. Like he had just tolerated me all this time instead of actually wanting me. I felt like at any moment I would break simply because of the shock and all the other things that had been going on that week. I have learned a valuable lesson through all this. I learned that even though my relationship with “sir” is not a traditional relationship we still have to work at it just as hard as people on the vanilla side of things, if not harder because our type of relationship is based on a great amount of trust.
When I approached him with the question of what is was he wanted from me, he said full submission. I asked what that meant to him and his reply was, that I would know how to please him without having rules and tasks and that I trust him enough to give up control of nearly everything. I understand that is what we are working for. I like that. A total power exchange is something I want. I walso want the longterm monogamous relationship he does. The trust is coming along. I trust him more right now that I have trusted anyone in a long time. I say that because right now he has the power to make me or break me. I have let my guard down enough with him to just share with him what i feel, what I want, What I need and so on. I like that i can do that. I like that we communicate and even when we mess up we work it out based on trust and good communication.
So “sir” wants a tpe. He brought up characteristics that he wants to develop and he explained why he had tasks to help with this. He said attention to detail. I agree I need to work on that. He said honesty and I am positive i have been nothing but honest with him. I would not dream of being anything less. devotion was another that I was taken back by. I have been nothing but honest and loyal to him. I could have easily strayed from the rules and been with others. I am very devoted. I have made changes to my life just to make sure i stay that way.
I do sometimes wonder if he just tolerates me. I know better than to question this. I still do. Maybe is shows my vulnerability. I promised myself that after all the research on D/s relationships that when i entered one I would give it my best. I find it hard sometimes. I hope he remains patient with me.
So when i was asked by reader what a dominant wants when he is seeking a total power exchange relationship, simply put it means he wants all of you. He wants to control of all things that involve you.
A true dominant would not expect this right off the bat and I want to make that very clear. Full submission is achieved over time. Even if you are a highly experienced sub it takes time. A true dom would understand this and he would not demand it. He would earn it through, trust and respect. A true dom knows just how to get through even your thickest walls slowly and sometimes you don’t notice it. Sometimes you don’t even notice the control you give up. I think a good dominant knows just how to do that. In turn a true dominant will not abuse the control but rather use it to make you happy and leave you filling fulfilled. He will protect you because you have made yourself vulnerable to him, he wil choose for you and he will consider your safety and the possible risks it could impose on other areas of your life. Full submission is the hardest type of submission. Anyone can submit in the bedroom but to submit outside of the bedroom is much harder. it takes patience, understanding, trust, honestly, hard work and good communication. It is a gift. You give yourself completely out of respect and trust. For some of you for love.
I think I found a true dominant. He has been able to take control of many things without me knowing it. He could take more and I would willingly give it up. I have nothing but respect for him and he earned it by showing that he was human. He earned it by showing that he was not invincible but capable of making mistakes and owning them . He earned my trust by communicating with me, by sharing his mistakes and by making sure that he understood me and that he talked out how i felt about those things. I trust that he would tell me the truth even if it hurt and that he would take my hurt and he would try to understand it and that he would work through it with me instead of using it against me. i find comfort in that. Comfort to let my guard down even more, comfort to open myself up to him and let him see the deeper side of me and my submissiveness. It has let an open spot for him to see into me and to see where my devotion lies.
I would hope that he already knows that since he knows most things. I need him to see that and to use that because otherwise it is worthless. it means nothing and I hate the feeling that nothingness leaves. So here is to you “sir” this is your post. This is what is on my mind. This what i ponder when you think I am distracted. I ponder my submission to you and how it managed to be the way that it is. I ponder what you will do with it but i trust that it will be something great and something that brings satisfaction to you and in turn to me. I need someone to share my deeper side with, someone to share a side of me that many don’t see and would not understand. That explains our earlier discussion about why missing you when you are gone bothers me. Because who else is going to lead me through the fucking rabbit hole? You understand and you always seem to have the right things to say. i appreciate that. You make my desires seem normal and you want to actually hear them. That is why I miss you when you are gone and damn does it feel nice to realize that. It explains a lot.