Missing

Hey all, it has been awhile. I was quite busy over the holiday. So here we go.

 

It is no secret that I have fought my submissive side for a long time. In many ways letting myself submit also means that I am vulnerable. I have a fucking issue with being vulnerable. I say this because when I am vulnerable I have a hard time making choices let alone wise ones. This would mean that I would have to trust “sir” explicitly to make choices for me and to trust that he would make the right ones. vulnerability leaves me wide open. It leaves a space for someone to get into my mind, my heart, and take over. It also means that I could be hurt emotionally. My issues with showing my vulnerability and allowing for that to come out make submission a challenge for me sometimes.

 

I was wondering if I actually pleased “sir” or if he just tolerated me. I asked not only because i was asked here what a dominant wants from his submissive but also because the last week has been hard. I have had to step back a moment to collect myself and my thoughts. In the last week “sir”and I have had our issues. We have tested each other to the extreme. It has left us both feeling a bit worn down and he considered walking. I would have been fine to let him out. It isn’t my place to convince him to stay. I would have collected myself and been no worse off then when I came in. He chose to stay and work things out. It shows he is a good man and that he is willing to invest his time and energy into me. Why I have no clue, he just says because I have qualities he likes.

It did scare me a bit that he was willing to make such a huge impacting choice for the both of us at the drop of a hat. It made me wonder if he would continue to make choices that were rash and without throughly thinking it through. I think that at the very moment and the discussion that sparked his thoughts he was quick to act. I think we all do that. I also think most of the time when we make such quick choices we ended up wishing we had chose differently. So here we are.

 

Him saying he was walking left me a bit shocked, vulnerable, and sad. I felt like a failure. Like he had just tolerated me all this time instead of actually wanting me. I felt like at any moment I would break simply because of the shock and all the other things that had been going on that week. I have learned a valuable lesson through all this. I learned that even though my relationship with “sir” is not a traditional relationship we still have to work at it just as hard as people on the vanilla side of things, if not harder because our type of relationship is based on a great amount of trust.

 

When I approached him with the question of what is was he wanted from me, he said full submission. I asked what that meant to him and his reply was, that I would know how to please him without having rules and tasks and that I trust him enough to give up control of nearly everything. I understand that is what we are working for. I like that. A total power exchange is something I want. I walso want the longterm monogamous relationship he does. The trust is coming along. I trust him more right now that I have trusted anyone in a long time. I say that because right now he has the power to make me or break me. I have let my guard down enough with him to just share with him what i feel, what I want, What I need and so on. I like that i can do that. I like that we communicate and even when we mess up we work it out based on trust and good communication.

So “sir” wants a tpe. He brought up characteristics that he wants to develop and he explained why he had tasks to help with this. He said attention to detail. I agree I need to work on that. He said honesty and I am positive i have been nothing but honest with him. I would not dream of being anything less. devotion was another that I was taken back by. I have been nothing but honest and loyal to him. I could have easily strayed from the rules and been with others. I am very devoted. I have made changes to my life just to make sure i stay that way.

I do sometimes wonder if he just tolerates me. I know better than to question this. I still do. Maybe is shows my vulnerability. I promised myself that after all the research on D/s relationships that when i entered one I would give it my best. I find it hard sometimes. I hope he remains patient with me.

So when i was asked by reader what a dominant wants when he is seeking a total power exchange relationship, simply put it means he wants all of you. He wants to control of all things that involve you.

A true dominant would not expect this right off the bat and I want to make that very clear. Full submission is achieved over time. Even if you are a highly experienced sub it takes time. A true dom would understand this and he would not demand it. He would earn it through, trust and respect. A true dom knows just how to get through even your thickest walls slowly and sometimes you don’t notice it. Sometimes you don’t even notice the control you give up. I think a good dominant knows just how to do that. In turn a true dominant will not abuse the control but rather use it to make you happy and leave you filling fulfilled. He will protect you because you have made yourself vulnerable to him, he wil choose for you and he will consider your safety and the possible risks it could impose on other areas of your life. Full submission is the hardest type of submission. Anyone can submit in the bedroom but to submit outside of the bedroom is much harder. it takes patience, understanding, trust, honestly, hard work and good communication. It is a gift. You give yourself completely out of respect and trust. For some of you for love.

I think I found a true dominant. He has been able to take control of many things without me knowing it. He could take more and I would willingly give it up. I have nothing but respect for him and he earned it by showing that he was human. He earned it by showing that he was not invincible but capable of making mistakes and owning them . He earned my trust by communicating with me, by sharing his mistakes and by making sure that he understood me and that he talked out how i felt about those things. I trust that he would tell me the truth even if it hurt and that he would take my hurt and he would try to understand it and that he would work through it with me instead of using it against me. i find comfort in that. Comfort to let my guard down even more, comfort to open myself up to him and let him see the deeper side of me and my submissiveness. It has let an open spot for him to see into me and to see where my devotion lies.

 

I would hope that he already knows that since he knows most things. I need him to see that and to use that because otherwise it is worthless. it means nothing and I hate the feeling that nothingness leaves. So here is to you “sir” this is your post. This is what is on my mind. This what i ponder when you think I am distracted. I ponder my submission to you and how it managed to be the way that it is. I ponder what you will do with it but i trust that it will be something great and something that brings satisfaction to you and in turn to me. I need someone to share my deeper side with, someone to share a side of me that many don’t see and would not understand. That explains our earlier discussion about why missing you when you are gone bothers me. Because who else is going to lead me through the fucking rabbit hole? You understand and you always seem to have the right things to say. i appreciate that. You make my desires seem normal and you want to actually hear them. That is why I miss you when you are gone and damn does it feel nice to realize that. It explains a lot.

 

white flag.

I am pretty sure the basis of a D/s relationship is based on mutual trust and respect. I am also pretty sure a good dominant would know this. I know “sir” has had it rough with me as I find my way. I am positive I drive him absolutely crazy sometimes. I can be defiant, mouthy, soft, and caring all in the same moment. It must be hard to be him.

 

I wonder though, good dominants pay attention to detail, knowing when their submissive is stressed, hurt, or emotionally unavailable. I have tried to not be any of those things. I am finding it hard to be emotionally available. I just have so much on my mind right now. Mostly things pertaining to the relationship I have with “sir”. I wish I could just tell him all these things and lay it out in the open. I wish I could trust that he would put my mind at ease, that he would explain that what I feel is okay and that I should share it. 

I was once told by a very respected dominant that the reason a submissive should share when she has pent up emotion is because that hurt, anger, excitement, or whatever it may be is also his, along with her body and heart. I didn’t share much. I don’t share much with “sir”. That is my fault. 

I am finding that my temper is flaring. Not at him per say but at the situation at hand. I feel deserted in a way. I feel angry, I feel hurt, I feel confused. I feel so much more that I can not even identify with right now.  It has not been an easy few weeks for “sir” or I. We have both had personal struggles to put it mildly. I think that a lot of what I am feeling towards him is because of all that. I could also be wrong. I want to be able to lay it all out for him. I want him to be able to see me, all of me. I want him to be pleased with it. God I want him to be pleased with it. I doubt that he will. 

I think part of me feels like if I laid it all out for him he would be in the right to just walk off. he could. With no explanation. I did not break a golden rule, I did not break any rules today for that matter. I still feel like what I am feeling is wrong. he has given me no reason to doubt him, he has been honest to the best of my knowledge, he has made it clear he cares. Why do I still have all this feeling then?

I am doubting that he is pleased with me and I am sure I have said things he doesn’t like. I spend all this time questioning if what I am doing is enough? How do you know? How do you know he is pleased? How do you know what it is he wants? How do you know that he really cares?

So confusing it is. My temper is flared because of life. Shit happens and it happenes to me, all the time. All the fucking time. Am I supposed to share this with him? Am I supposed to let him in to see exactly what I am? How do I do that when I hold so much back? I have learned some valuable lessons this week. He punished me. It really sucked. I knew he was displeased as soon as I started the punishment. I knew I had done wrong. The feelings that came up in me were strong. They were unrelenting. I felt awful, guilty, shamed, and heartbroken. I have no clue why either. I was told that it was normal to feel that way. I suppose it could be. I was told by a friend that what I felt during that punishment was the point of the punishment. I learned that my need to serve, to please, and to forfeit myself for someone else’s happiness in turn makes me happy. I also learned that “sir” is serious. he is a serious dude when it comes to punishment.

I Hope i get to talk with him soon. So that I can tell him all this stuff. All these things that ponder in my mind relentlessly at night. All these thoughts and feelings that drag me further away from what I want. I know what I want, is that so bad? I know what i need and I want someone to meet those needs. I just know. What the hell is so wrong with getting that? I guess it is safe to say my white flag is up in surrender. I am waving it high for all to see. I am surrendering to all the things I am feeling I am just going to give in to them. Share them and hope for the best.

artist of submission

I have trolled the web for a good way to put into words why I chose submission vs. being in a regular vanilla relationship. We have covered my past and that play a huge part into it. My emotions play a bigger part. I fell that it is my need as a woman to submit. It is a natural instinct. I find it alluring that women in modern society want to control everything. They want to choose what to give to a man. I find that most men want a woman that will submit to some degree. Men typically want a woman that will not fight them on everything and that will not fight to be seen as an equal. Men want women that will submit. That will submit to them and not fight to be seen as an equal but as a prized possession. They want women to see them selves as something dear to the man, something special and that is hard to see when you are constantly fighting to be seen as an equal.

 

I am learning I have had pretty much all the control over my life and choices in the last few years. I had to simply because there was no one there to take control. My mind is still not freed from responsibility. It is still strong and confident but it find solace in knowing that I am pleasing someone else besides myself.

I find it quite natural to want to hand over control to just follow the lead. I do still fight it sometimes and I am working on it but my natural instincts want to serve. I crave to be able to serve someone with my talents, and to share with them who I am at heart. Yes i still protect myself and I still contemplate my choice in giving up control. I think anyone would. What is different is that my natural instincts seem to always win. Sure “sir” understands this. He has started off by taking control of small things like my underwear LOL. He has rules for how I should look,act, and what I should be telling him. I do those things. I have tested those things but it all seems natural. The control he has over my underwear well lets just say not only does it save me time by not having to decide which ones to wear but it also reminds me that he put thought into me. He invested his time to choose for me and that brings a smile to my face. 

I have always tried to present myself in a classy way. I strive for it. He knows this. I like that I need to ask if I want to cut my hair, or get a tattoo or whatever it maybe. My body is his for the time being and it will be until he says otherwise. It should be pleasing to him. I damn well try to make sure it is. It shows me that he also not only invested his time in me again but it shows that he also cares about how I feel about myself.

The rules for sharing with him how I feel about certain things and the rule of telling him right away when I am in a state of need and arousal is my favorite rule of all. It means that although I am serving him he also has my pleasure in mind. He will use what I am feeling and either help me sort out the bad feeling or play up the good ones. It shows me he cares. He cares about my all around well being. My emotional state is important and it is more so important in a D/s relationship. Emotions play the biggest part as they do in any relationship, the only difference is I am not spending time fighting them I am sharing them. I am laying them out for him to see, for him to consider and for him to see inside my very soul. 

Is submission an art? I believe so. art is art. if you look at the definition of art one could see is as such. I believe that my submission is getting stronger, my need to serve someone in and out of the bedroom is stronger. It is natural and I have one to a place where fighting it is tiring and emotionally draining. I give up my white flag is up. My instincts win. This good very very good. I am an artist. I am an artist of submission and life could not be more pleasant or beautiful than it is right now. 

I love how much more at ease I am I love that I have finally found where I belong and I am truly meant to belong to someone else. Only that someone must take what I have given and build upon it and not destroy it but make it stronger and encourage it. They must challenge my mind and my heart and that is what makes submission an art. When your mind and your heart are so challenged that it molds you into something else. You are truly molded by the hands of someone else and what comes from that is art, it is beautiful and lasting even if the sculptor has long since left and moved on the beauty still remains. As with any art there is always someone else who will find the beauty in anothers creation. I am happy, content and at his will. 

 

I guess the same could also be said for a dominant that dominance is also an art. maybe I should touch that topic next.

Never simple and never easy…

I want to start off with the quote a good friend sent to my email this morning, she actually sent me a few of them and so here is sit thinking about them. They seem to speak to me right now, mostly because I had a rough night to put it mildly. I had a lot of questioning going on and a lot of emotion running rampant through my mind. When morning struck I was much calmer, much more focused and I realized exactly what I am learning, what I am doing, and no matter how far down this submission rabbit hole I fall I don’t plan to climb out. I am quite comfortable here. Content if you will, it feels natural to me, it feels peaceful, even if that means I could be emotionally hurt. I realize exactly what I want now, exactly what it all means to me and I understand that it is different for everyone. So here I sit looking at these quotes and wondering why I seem to identify with them and so I shall explain. (thank you cam, cali, and row for the quotes)

 

“There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip away another’s soul bare, and the power to stand naked.” – Yaldah Tovah

 

I really like this one. I do lead at work, I can say I do not throughly enjoy it. It is not my nature and I complain a lot about the lack of work the men in the office do. It bothers me mostly because I see them as the leaders and they do not act like it. I hold more of the power to follow. I always have and sometimes it takes more strength to follow then it does it lead. Following another allowing them that power to lead you, to command you can be hard, terrifying and sometimes as followers we fight it. We somehow always end up being better for having followed even if we end up hurt. Sometimes when we get hurt from giving someone the power to lead we end up stronger. I like the realization this quote brings simply because it is a new understanding for me. 

 

“Resistance does not mean walls and fences, nonresistance does not mean open space. If you can understand in this way, mind and matter are fundamentally the same.” -Tsu-hsin

 

I love this quote too. I love it because although I have been resistant in one way or another lately and most of my life actually it doesn’t mean I have walls and fences. It means I am strong, confident, and powerful in my own right. Although yes there are some fences up they are slowly coming down. 

 

“There’s nothing either good or bad … but thinking makes it so!” – William Shakespeare

Ha I love shakespeare! I always thought he was smart. He apparently had a thing for rather too, I swear I read that somewhere a few years back. I do like that this quote says that nothing is good or bad until your mind allows you to make it one or the other. Maybe my mind is making things to be more complex then they are. I should just go with it, quit fighting and just feel, just be, and quit questioning everything. Sometimes you have to just let it be what it is.

 

“It’s hard for an educated woman to turn her head off. That’s part of the joy of being a submissive. None of the decisions are yours. When you can’t refuse anything and can’t even move, those voices in your head go silent. All you can do, and all you are permitted to do, is feel.” 

this is my favorite right here!!!! This one is me. Very very very me. It is very hard for an educated woman to shut her mind off. I do have a hard time doing that. I find that this just explains it all for me. Exactly why I want the type of relationship I want.  There is more to it but here is the broader reasoning in one little quote. I Have been searching for the right way to put it and here it is. right here. 

 

“I’ve solved the mystery: You have to submit silently. Open up, let go. Let anything penetrate you, even the most painful things. Endure. Bear up. That’s the magic key! The text comes by itself, and its meaning shakes the soul … You mustn’t let scar tissue form on your wounds; you have to keep ripping them open in order to turn your insides into a marvelous instrument that is capable of anything. All this has its price.” 
― Klaus Kinski

 

I like this one also it really defines what I have learned, what I have come to realize. 

 

Okay that is all but thank you again to my awesome friends for making my day and giving me something to think about besides work. Thank you to “sir” for your awesome morning surprise I loved them!!!

What is this madness?

So it hasn’t been explained. I can not explain it. I am doubting anyone can. I am waiting for Cali to wake up so I can talk to her about it. Somewhere last night I think I lost my grip. My control over what I could control. Dammit. I thought somewhere some how I could still control things without “sir” knowing. I was so wrong. Yes I magically can cum at his command to do so. I have not figured that out. maybe he knows when I want to. How beats me. Somewhere last night I lost my footing though. I went hazy. I was relaxed. He said I could and I did. This time when I came it put me in some sort of trance. Some sort of frame of mind where nothing else mattered except for exactly what I was feeling. He could have gotten away with just about anything at that moment. I couldn’t catch my breath but I was breathing. I could breath without thinking about it.

I knew going into this it would be hard, there would be things I would not understand for a long time. I am kind of mad at myself for allowing my awareness to just go. At that very moment he was in charge, he had to make any choice that needed to be made simply because I couldn’t. I doubt he noticed, I hide things well. I also recovered quite quickly. Thank god.

This is yet another unexplainable how does he do it moment. I sat up last night wondering what this madness is. The madness that comes with just being. The back of your eyelids look like fireworks, you are calm, you are comfortable, how do you explain that? Is that even normal? I guess I will have to figure this out. I am not sure why I am waiting for cali to wake up but I need to talk to her. I need to ask. She has a way of reassuring me.

What is seven shades of sunday?

Well seven shades of sunday is a term I have used for a long time. I use it when I am mad such as (you can go fuck yourself to seven shades of sunday) or when I am happy ( I am happier than seven shades of sunday). I apply this term to a lot of my moods, yes I realize it makes no sense, but a lot of things in life make no sense. 

 

I am exploring my submissive side. I can’t really say I am learning it because I have always had one. I have always respected an authority figure. I have always been the people pleaser. I have always been the one to give freely without expecting anything in return. Recently I have decided to explore it a little bit more in the relationship area. Sure it is terrifying. Who would want to have someone dictate what color of underwear they should wear? Who would want someone to tell them when they can orgasm and when they can’t? What adult wants to be punished when they broke a rule set for them by their partner? Go ahead call it weird I certainly do. I will be the first to agree I have never been the norm either.

 

The person that wants that is me. I had a few failed relationships and I can see why. The first one he was the submissive. I did not have it in me to tell him what to do. So we didn’t fit, we both sat around waiting for the other to tell the other what to do. it sucked and it ended on a decent note. We went our separate ways no drama, no fuss. We are still decent friends to this very day. My second relationship was with a very dominant person. He controlled fucking everything. I could not have friends, I could not see my family, I could not do anything or be anything but what he wanted me to be. What he wanted me to be was different everyday. There were no definite rules, no boundaries, no limits. it was whatever he wanted. it became somewhat emotionally abusive. I left. He was an ass when I left, he stalked me, he threatened me and then eventually he disappeared. he found himself a wife that would do what ever he pleased and take his emotional abuse. I don’t hear from him anymore and I could not be more pleased. He was the reason I never wanted to explore the “lifestyle”. Yes I knew what it was at that point I had really good friends into the “lifestyle” they all seemed perfectly happy. It didn’t intrest me at all at that point. My third relationship well I married the dude. He was kind, he was understanding, he was very “vanilla” if you will. I submitted to him even though he was not the dom. I gave him everything he wanted. I complied with his every demand. He made all the choices. I thought hell yeah life is great. I gave in in every aspect possible. yes sex sucked. Sex went like this every saturday night at 9 pm we get in bed. i get naked, he gets on top, he gets what he wants out of it and goes to sleep. I never had an orgasm the whole time I was married. I did relay some of the darker things I wanted to try in the bedroom he shot them down quicker than I could breathe. So that was that. he eventually took advantage of my willingness to please him and do what he wanted. he cheated multiple times. He eventually to ballsy enough to bring women in my home while I was there. he thought I couldn’t care because well i gave him everything he wanted. I threw a fit for the first time ever when he brought a woman to the house. He became violent. The violence went on he did tell me one time he would beat me into submission and that my being rebellious was uncalled for. The violence continued, he used iron skillets, crow bars, shoes, and his hand to hit me, he kicked me. he forced his saturday night escapades. I eventually called a good friend who came and picked me and the kids up while he was at work and I left. I left with nothing. No clothes, not nothing just what was on my back and the babies. I divorced him and then well I finished my degree and started a life for me and the babygirls. 

 

So after all that I spent countless hours with a therapist every week analyzing everything, finding constructive ways to move past it. I did move past it. I have not looked back. I do have some triggers from it but who wouldn’t they don’t come often and when they do I have a pretty good handle on it. 

 

Why you ask am I exploring being a submissive after all that? Because after all that therapy the therapist finally asked what I wanted out of a relationship. I told her what I wanted. I wanted to be respected, cared for, I wanted to be wanted, and I wanted to be pleasing to someone. I wanted them to be pleased with me. I wanted rules, I wanted consequences for those rules if they were broken. I wanted to feel safe, i wanted to know that I could still be myself and still be the kind, giving, need to please others kind of person I have always been. i wanted someone to not take advantage of my need to please but to respect it, to see it as a gift, to understand that at anytime I can take that gift away. I wanted to be able to share my thoughts, my feelings, my desires with someone and to have them really consider it before they used it to control me. The therapist laughed. She said that I would never find a relationship like that. My friend cameron whom has been my best friend since i was a kid asked me to keep an open mind when he said he needed to talk to me.

Cameron came over that night and I told him what the therapist had said. Cameron calmly told me that I could find those things. That’s when he dropped the bombshell. he told me he was a dom. I stared blankly at the wall. He then went on to explain it. He explained that his girlfriends were not dumb but that they were his submissives. He went into detail about everything, from contracts to punishments, to why people do it. When he left that night I sat and thought about all the new information. I took it to the therapist the next time I seen her. She didn’t laugh. She just listened and then she said it. She said. ” You are submissive at heart, deep down you fit that role, but outwardly you do not.” “you have built walls to protect yourself from the past, those walls need to come down.” We went on to talk about how my past is y past, that it isn’t coming back and that where i am today it can not hurt me. I essentially moved on. I moved past all of those things that held me back. Sometimes they still hold me back as I test myself, for the most part though I am doing great. 

I spent months researching, talking with cam to later find out that a lot of our mutual friends were either doom’s or subs and thus it began. When I was ready I decided that if the opportunity presented itself I would enter into a relationship. Yes I went on a few dates but none of them had that dominance I craved from a partner. None of them felt quite right. Cameron asked me to sub for him. I said no, I felt that it could possibly ruin our friendship and that was something very dear to me. So he suggested I look for people outside of our circle of friends that I could talk to. People that I could ask questions to and get feedback that wasn’t biased. I did. 

I found an ad online. I emailed for awhile back and forth asking questions to a dom who spent time answering my questions honestly, openly and without making any of them feel stupid. We met , we agreed on limits and we agree on a lot of things in in other ways too. I like him. He has been patient, kind, firm, and understanding. he has done a fine job of helping me learn. He has definitely established his power and he has done a great job of not abusing the control he has. he has given me a sense of safety. I can honestly say for right now I am happy, I am calm, it all feels normal, it feels right, and it feels good. I am positive this is where I am meant to be. This is what I have craved from someone else. This is what I wanted. i am enjoying it, learning from it, and trying at it. I still struggle with the rules because for a long while i made my own, but I am trying. I have learned more about myself then I knew existed. I can breathe. It is finally ok to be exactly who I am and I have no worries. That my friends is how seven shades of sunday got started.